So on the 11th I went to my Doctor to begin treatments, sadly it didn’t work out for this cycle. Will try again next month.
That is the short of it. If you are the tl:dr kind of person you’ve got the whole story there. If you’re that adventurous kind, continue on….
The will be TMI bits here, I’m giving you a 2nd chance now to opt out and take the easy road.
I’ll give some detail and there will be talk of vaginas and other female organs. If this is too scary for you, you may want to stop here. This is your last warning.
Still with me? Awesome! Here goes.
We drove down to my awesome Doctor, early in the morning, filled with anticipation and a bit of fear. From a technical standpoint, I know the process, but there are the unavoidable feelings tied up in this. Science fills me with comfort. Emotion is unpredictable and unyielding.
I start by peeing in a cup, because isn’t that always the way it starts. I’m assuming it was a pregnancy test, just in case nature was finally on our side. (Stupid nature!). It may have also been a ruse to get me to empty my bladder completely.
We then go to an exam room with a procedure table-bed thingy. All girls know this table, the one with the foot stirrups. We all hate this table. My husband likes this particular table though. It has a light on it that is foot controlled, so he has been known to wave his foot back and forth, under the sensor to make it go on and off. Never while I’m actually having the exam though, at least not that I’ve noticed. I wouldn’t put it past him though.
I’m told to disrobe, everything waist down. I can keep my socks on (I know because I asked). I always wear cute socks and hell, my feet get cold. As I sit there I realize my super cute socks have a hole in the toe. How embarrassing. I also realize I failed to shave my legs before this trip. These are the things I’m thinking about. I’m compartmentalizing. I’m a spazz.
Dr. M comes in. She is, like always, funny and a bit sarcastic. If I had picked her personally as a doctor I couldn’t have done better (She was referred by my insurance). Her personality fits us. If I wasn’t going through this, we might be friends.
Dr. M is encouraging. She doesn’t know this but I hate the ultrasound machine. I relate it to my ER visits and the miscarriages I’ve had. Many of you have seen an ultrasound procedure, where they roll the little curved bit covered in some sort of silicone gel goo, over a pregnant woman’s stomach and they find the healthy spawn, reaching out. Mom and dad may also get to learn the gender of said spawn. They show this on TV and in movies all the time. This has never been my experience.
There is another kind of ultrasound, it is done with something that looks more like a wand and it is done vaginally. During my first miscarriage, I got both kinds, first the less invasive and then the more. I was penetrated by this thing and then given the worst news ever. You can understand my misgivings. But science, I am giving in to science and attempting to let these memories go.
We settle down for the transvaginal ultrasound to make sure my ovaries look good to begin treatment. The right one first. It seems to look good, this is encouraging. The left one next. Not so much. There is a circular void on the screen. Apparently I have a cyst. She measures it’s diameter. It looks to me like like she’s selecting an area in Photoshop. It even had the little cross-hairs and dotted line. We’re told it’s too big to proceed this cycle.
I had 2 choices, attempt to let nature take it’s chance on me again, try an OPK (over the counter ovulation kit) knowing that my hormones could be affected by this cyst and maybe it doesn’t go away on it’s own this cycle or take medication to make it go away and try next month. The one kicker is, the medication is birth-control pills, so no trying on our own. I went with the pills.
So for the first time in 20 years I’m taking Birth-control pills again. Crazy and counter intuitive.
My cyst explains a couple of things. My hormones have been all over the place recently, I’ve had nausea and cramps. Back pains. I might have equated it with early pregnancy if I hadn’t been completely sure I wasn’t. I was beginning to think it was psychosomatic. At least I’m not completely crazy.
I’m disappointed. I feel like I’m losing time, but the logical part of me knows that this should be under the very best possible conditions and this cycle wasn’t. So here’s crossing our fingers, toes and whatever else you’ve got to next month and here’s to waiting for my period to begin again.
Next time, though, I’ll make sure to shave my legs.
The last couple of weeks I’ve been planning for a positive outcome for my fertility treatments (more on that in a moment)…but I’ve also been planning for events, should the treatments work, I’ll need to cancel or reevaluate.
Why am I doing this? Because I’ve put my life on hold several times in the past couple of years either because I became pregnant or we were in the process of trying.
My husband and I have plans to return to Walt Disney World in the fall for The Food And Wine Festival at EPCOT. We had an amazing time last year and when (if) we go this year, I’m sure it’ll be just as great.
I’ve put my deposit down on the hotel. I’ve begun planning what parks I want to go to on what days, where I want to dine and when (even though we can’t make reservations until 180 day out!). Which day we want to go back to Universal to see the Wizarding World of Harry Potter expansion. I even know which is our quiet pool day. Doing this keeps me calm. This is how I compartmentalize.
I’m seriously looking forward to it, but I totally hope we don’t go.
TMI for those who don’t what to read about girly issues….
Now, for anyone who may be going through this, this is what is happening so far…
We are beginning daily, multiple injections shortly after my cycle begins. (for the very first time, in the last 3 years I am praying for my period to come! Weird!)
In the mean time, I’ve applied, and been approved for Family Medical Leave because I will erratically have to see my doctor and I can’t pre-plan around those appointments with my job. I’ll often only know a day or 2 in advance when I’ll need to be seen. My employer has been incredible. I’ve asked for concessions regarding being able to receive some of my injections while on the job (because I can’t self administer all of them), rather than calling out, leaving early or coming in late and they are being incredibly flexible. I really do feel like I work for the best company in the world.
So hopefully, in the next couple of days, I get to start being stabbed with small metal spikes in both my stomach and ass, frequently, so that I won’t be able to imbibe in alcohol, caffeine or sushi (and so many other things) for more than a year and be tied down to a needy crying, pooping, little human for 18 (or more) years. Oh, and have to call Disney and let them know that I need to cancel my plans for Food and Wine, because life got in the way.
Sounds like paradise.
I hope you haven’t been sitting on the edge of you seats waiting for my infrequent posts….
We’ve reached the next step. I’ve had an incredible number of tests, related to both my infertility and my genetic condition. It’s been a long road but I’m clear to begin fertility treatments on my next cycle.
I don’t want to get into to many gory details just yet. Just cross your fingers and toes. Let’s see what the next few months bring us.
If you read my post from October 10th this is an update to that…
It’s a good news bad news situation. I’ve seen doctors, I have more appointments but I have a diagnosis and thus a reason for our fertility issues.
First the good news…my Von Willebrand diagnosis, of which I’ve known about since I was in my mid 20’s, is not a contributing factor, and in fact may be assisting in my fertility. (Who knew!)
I’m in a very good place to be able to conceive and carry a child especially in my very advanced age of 40. With a caveat, of course.
My husband is perfect (I’m sure he’ll be noting and referring to this for years to come).
Now the bad news…
I’ve been diagnosed with a chromosomal issue called Turner Mosaicism or Mosaic Turner syndrome. It’s hard to find much info on the issue because more is written on Turner Syndrome, which seems like it’s much worse counterpart.
My OB/GYN said that based on the tests that I’ve taken over that last couple of months, in her evaluation, I have a 25% higher chance of miscarriage in the first trimester than would be normal because of chromosomal issues with some of my eggs.
Our next step is to see a genetics specialist, who will then evaluate our chances of conceiving a healthy nerd-spawn. We have an appointment in early January. If that appointment goes well, I might be put on fertility drugs to give me a higher chance of conceiving.
We were told that this doesn’t affect my ability to carry a healthy pregnancy, so one of our options might be IVF from a known or anonymous egg donor. That is outside of our insurance so I’m a little terrified of the cost if it comes down to that. Of course there’s always adoption.
So there you have it. I know that many of my friends have been concerned about me and I appreciate it. It’s been a rough time, but we’re getting through it. At least, hopefully, we’ll have answers or a least a direction sometime soon.