I won’t be upset if this ends up being a for some of you (you know…the 2 or 3 of you who follow me).
I’m not really sure I’ll end up posting this, but here goes….
This is my real life. I’m gonna tell you about what I’ve been dealing with for the last couple of years and how it’s changed me as a person. I’m not gonna lie, this is probably TMI for some, but for others it may help, and honestly…I’ve been keeping this pretty close to my heart for awhile.
We’ve been trying to conceive for a couple of years now. It started so easily…we thought “wouldn’t it be nice to have a second child” and then, without really trying, we were pregnant. It was incredible…it was so easy. I was so wrong.
Some who follow me, or more likely my husband, may remember that we had a miscarriage a couple of years ago. I’ll never forget it. It was my 38th birthday. Only those who are very close to me know that I had a second about 5 months later. Since then we’ve been unable to conceive at all.
You go through a period of mourning, but you don’t feel like you can talk about it like you would if a relative or close friend had died, because what has died was never viable in the first place. It never laughed, or spoke or walked a step. Hell, It went away before I even got to hear it’s heartbeat. But something died, and I mourned…and I had every right to.
I’ve been sad and angry. Very angry, for a long time. I’ve thought terrible things about myself and questioned my own femininity. But people don’t talk about these things, so I didn’t.
I lost friends, some because of our choice to parent again, and later some who instinctively recognized my underlying anger and, understandingly, decided to avoid it. Of course in the course of time, several of our friends have gotten pregnant, successfully, and those pregnancies are either currently percolating or their spawn have been unleashed onto mankind. I want to show them I’m happy and I am so very happy for them, but it’s so hard to express when you hate yourself for being unable to do the one job you had. So I avoid even commenting on it. It’s an uncomfortable spiral for everyone.
So, we recently decided that this was a problem that was beyond us, and have sought medical assistance. We’re at the very beginning of this, going through tests. I had an incredibly invasive one today that has left me in a crampy ball laying on the couch working through the pain. The tech and on call OB/GYN commented on my high pain threshold, not the super-power I was hoping for, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.
My husband and I made a deal, if the tests come back and it’s a no go for us again, we’re just gonna have a zoo full of fur-kids and be the most amazing fairy-godparents to all of our friends kids.
I just can’t be angry anymore. I need to follow my bliss and if it doesn’t include the pitter-patter of biological spawn then we’ll have to refocus.
I hope that this post helps someone, who has been unable to talk about things like these. I really do. I so rarely get personal, but it’s time to take back my power and run with it.
For those of you who read the whole post, thank you, you rock!
Tom and I are planing a trip to Orlando this October with a couple of friends. We’re staying at The Art of Animation hotel, the most recently opened resort location.
This will be the 3rd time we’ve stayed on property at WDW, and the first time we’re at a “value” hotel. They’re really offering some sweet deals for the “Family Suites” so I couldn’t resist. OMG, it’s so cute!
We’ll be staying in one of 3 designs: Cars, Finding Nemo, or Lion King, we won’t know which until we arrive. I’m so excited!
So, vacation is to far out to reserve dining (which is driving me CRAZY!!), but I know I have so hardcore Disney-Nerds that I’m friends with…what are your favorite places to dine? Favorite experiences? Tours and all out touristy things to do?
One of my traveling companions is a fish-eating vegetarian, the rest of us, no issues. I’m ready for your feedback!
I don’t believe much in New Years Resolutions because when I make them and don’t follow through, I feel like a big failure. I’m not much in the way of failing, so I usually just avoid stating them outright.
This year I posted some goals on this site (including writing this blog at least once a week…oops!) and haven’t really talked about them since.
The biggest, and most important thing, at least in my mind, was making this “The Year of the Hodge Podge”. Tom and I want to be happy, healthy and comfortable, seem easy enough.
In the last 10 years or so I’ve gained more weight then I’m happy with. They’re totally “Happy lbs.”. You know, married to my love, feeling mostly fulfilled, and eating out more than I probably should. A couple of years ago I’d crossed over the 200 line and stayed there, inching up little by little.
It was hard for me. I don’t feel I judge people by their weight, but I certainly spend a great deal of time with people who are thin and model-like. I even know a few real, professional models. Models and cosplayers pose for my husband for art reference. I knew it got bad when I began to truly avoid cameras being pointed at me at conventions, I dread the tag requests I get on Facebook after every event. That girl, in those pictures, isn’t the girl I see in my head. So, I take the peek-a-boo approach…if I can’t see it, it isn’t there!
So to the point (finally!)…in the last couple of months, I’ve been watching what I eat, and working out, mostly on our wii fit and walking. I’m not being crazy about it, making changes I’ll be comfortable sticking with in the long-term. I’ve mostly cut dairy out of my diet. Started taking vitamins, which is a huge deal because I hate even taking Tylenol, now I take several pills every morning.
As of today’s weigh-in I’ve lost 19 lbs!
I’ve been under 200 for the last couple of weeks and sill inching down. At work, I started at a costume size 22 (Disney’s costume sizes are larger than the real world sizing that you might find in a store). I’m comfortably wearing a size 18 now, and will soon be in a 16.
I have containers in the garage of cloths I’d sized out of in the last few years and I’m thinking it may be time to go through them as the jeans in my closet that were way too tight a couple of months ago are kinda loose on me now.
So there you have it…so far I’ve lost about 10% of my body weight and I have no intention of finding it again.
Most of my friends realize I’m pretty liberal, but this seems to me to be common sense.
A brilliant address of what our President signed into being today. Reblogged, because dammit, I couldn’t have said it better than this!
I’ve been making the mistake of reading comments on news articles about this. People are going BATSHIT FUCKING LOCO.
Hey, gun-toting crazies: You might want to take a look at these before announcing to the world that the scary Black man is taking away your guns and you’re going to start an armed rebellion, mkay?
Here are the executive orders along with my commentary.
1. “Issue a presidential memorandum to require federal agencies to make relevant data available to the federal background check system.” (BACKGROUND CHECKS. Like we already have, but making sure states actually send in the damn data so we can track their convicted rapists.)
2. “Address unnecessary legal barriers, particularly relating to the Health Insurance Portability and Accountability Act, that may prevent states from making information available to the background check system.” (More about making the background checks work better)
3. “Improve incentives for states to share…
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I’ve been completely avoiding my craft room this winter.
It’s not as if I don’t have a couple of projects I’m roaring to get to. There is a quilt that I want to make for a friend of mine, and I have a new sewing machine that is screaming for my attention. I worked really hard getting everything set up and pretty in there…but ::imagine my best whiny voice:: my workspace is soooo cold! That room just doesn’t seem to get any heat. You cold store meat in that room! I’m completely serious!!
So I’m thinking of getting a space heater. But I have some needs. It shouldn’t be ugly, overly noisy and most importantly, can’t be tipped over by warring cats bapping their way to cat dominance. ::cue Star Trek battle music::
Now this is no ad for Amazon, I promise, but this seems like the best and safest option for me. I even put it on my Amazon wishlist so that my amazing husband might be reminded of my plight.
I realize I live in Southern California and the impression is that it’s always warm and sunny here (it’s not BTW). But I need to get to work and start showing off some of my things here. Finally!
What are your excuses for avoiding things you know you should be doing?
A few weeks ago Tom and I discussed our plans for emergency preparedness to which we both responded “We have a plan?!”.
Let’s face it, we live in southern California and we need to be ready for something like an earthquake or some other natural disaster, or even ZOMBIES!!
My inspiration comes from the “Your Own Home Store”‘s Blog post on preparing week by week, because let’s face it, very few of us have the funds to buy all of this stuff in one lump sum. I hope to have a good working storage by this time next year at the latest.
Now, I don’t want to be put in the “Crazy Prepper” category (unless I have a big prepper fan base, of course!) but I do want to borrow from some of their ideals. I think it’s incredibly smart to prepare a bug-out bag, because one never knows what’s gonna happen to this world and the idea that we may have to pick up and go with whatever we can carry is a realistic possibility. Prepping for the onslaught of a walking hoard of the recently deceased seems more creative than prepping for the moment the earth opens up and sucks California into the ocean or the population goes crazy and we all start to fight hand to hand like some ancient Roman battleground (I really do have quite the imagination!).
Week One Goal: Buy and store at least 1 case of bottled water and look for the backpack’s that will be our actual “Bug-Out Bag”. Research the best items for surviving for the duration (whatever that may be).
What are your thought’s on apocalypse prepping, necessary evil or pointless time and/or wallet-suck?
I don’t usually make resolutions, but I am in my 40th year on this earth and for some reason they’ve tumbled through my brain for days now. They all come down to happiness, comfort and contentment.
- Update my new webpage, at least weekly, with real content and not just vanity posts.
- Prioritize my health, Tom and I both plan on cutting down significantly on meat, and I will continue to keep dairy to a minimum (but if you place a cheese plate in front of my face, all bets are off!) The focus for me is not on losing weight, but keeping my blood disorder in check. Weight loss would be a bonus.
- Evaluate my relationships, cut ties with those who don’t give anything positive to my world, revel in those who do.
- Send more snail mail. I have a couple of friends (Nicole and Marcella, I’m talking about you!) who send cards and notes when they appreciate something I’ve done, or invited them to. It makes me so happy to receive these and I’d like to pass that good feeling on to the people in my life that I care about.
- Keep in touch. This is hard for me. I had a mother who cut ties with her family (for legitimately good reasons) and so I had very little contact with family. She didn’t encourage closeness and would often run away from people rather than attempt to work things out. Children watch and learn. I did my share of running throughout my life and didn’t really settle down until Tom came around. He had the complete opposite kind of upbringing so I’ve learned much from him but I still have trouble opening up to and being close to friends, so I rarely initiate contact.
- Be happy, make others happy! Commit to random acts of kindness! Send a card, just because! Call or text, because I was thinking about you! Comment on someone’s pretty dress, or new haircut, or great smile, because you noticed! – because it would make me happy if someone did that for me.
- Take more pictures, make more crafts, be creative! Leave my mark but never at the expense of others.
These are mine….what are yours?
I’ve decided that I need to make some changes.
One was the website that I have. I wanted a new look, a new feel. I even changed the web address. I want to free myself from some of my past and move on to the next thing in my life. I expect that this page will see some changes, especially in the way this looks (for sure, the way it looks!).
2012 changed many things for me. I had health issues. I lost friends and loved ones, some to death, others to a parting of ideologies. I spent more time then I’d like to admit mourning these losses. It’s time to emerge and learn to see myself as not just a part of something but maybe the actual something.
Tom and I talked about making this the “Year of The Hodge Podge” and I love the idea (primarily because it’s mine!). We’ve spent too much time lamenting could haves and now we want to focus on the positive and drive ourselves to success.
If you’re still reading…THANK YOU!! I know this first bit has been just a vanity post but here it is. I wanted to come up with a stimulating report, where you learned something and felt smarter for spending time with me but my ass has been kicked by vacationing guests over the last couple of weeks and I just can’t manage it. I just wanted to get this post out. Make it happen. Prove I could.
…and so it begins…