So on the 11th I went to my Doctor to begin treatments, sadly it didn’t work out for this cycle. Will try again next month.

That is the short of it. If you are the tl:dr kind of person you’ve got the whole story there. If you’re that adventurous kind, continue on….

The will be TMI bits here, I’m giving you a 2nd chance now to opt out and take the easy road.
I’ll give some detail and there will be talk of  vaginas and other female organs. If this is too scary for you, you may want to stop here. This is your last warning.

Still with me? Awesome! Here goes.

We drove down to my awesome Doctor, early in the morning, filled with anticipation and a bit of fear. From a technical standpoint, I know the process, but there are the unavoidable feelings tied up in this. Science fills me with comfort. Emotion is unpredictable and unyielding.

I start by peeing in a cup, because isn’t that always the way it starts. I’m assuming it was a pregnancy test, just in case nature was finally on our side. (Stupid nature!). It may have also been a ruse to get me to empty my bladder completely.

We then go to an exam room with a procedure table-bed thingy. All girls know this table, the one with the foot stirrups. We all hate this table. My husband likes this particular table though. It has a light on it that is foot controlled, so he has been known to wave his foot back and forth, under the sensor to make it go on and off. Never while I’m actually having the exam though, at least not that I’ve noticed. I wouldn’t put it past him though.

I’m told to disrobe, everything waist down. I can keep my socks on (I know because I asked). I always wear cute socks and hell, my feet get cold. As I sit there I realize my super cute socks have a hole in the toe. How embarrassing. I also realize I failed to shave my legs before this trip. These are the things I’m thinking about. I’m compartmentalizing. I’m a spazz.

Dr. M comes in. She is, like always, funny and a bit sarcastic. If I had picked her personally as a doctor I couldn’t have done better (She was referred by my insurance). Her personality fits us. If I wasn’t going through this, we might be friends.

Dr. M is encouraging. She doesn’t know this but I hate the ultrasound machine. I relate it to my ER visits and the miscarriages I’ve had. Many of you have seen an ultrasound procedure, where they roll the little curved bit covered in some sort of silicone gel goo, over a pregnant woman’s stomach and they find the healthy spawn, reaching out. Mom and dad may also get to learn the gender of said spawn. They show this on TV and in movies all the time. This has never been my experience.

There is another kind of ultrasound, it is done with something that looks more like a wand and it is done vaginally. During my first miscarriage, I got both kinds, first the less invasive and then the more. I was penetrated by this thing and then given the worst news ever. You can understand my misgivings. But science, I am giving in to science and attempting to let these memories go.

We settle down for the transvaginal ultrasound to make sure my ovaries look good to begin treatment. The right one first. It seems to look good, this is encouraging. The left one next. Not so much. There is a circular void on the screen. Apparently I have a cyst. She measures it’s diameter. It looks to me like like she’s selecting an area in Photoshop. It even had the little cross-hairs and dotted line.  We’re told it’s too big to proceed this cycle.

I had 2 choices, attempt to let nature take it’s chance on me again, try an OPK (over the counter ovulation kit) knowing that my hormones could be affected by this cyst and maybe it doesn’t go away on it’s own this cycle or take medication to make it go away and try next month. The one kicker is, the medication is birth-control pills, so no trying on our own. I went with the pills.

So for the first time in 20 years I’m taking Birth-control pills again. Crazy and counter intuitive.
My cyst explains a couple of things. My hormones have been all over the place recently, I’ve had nausea and cramps. Back pains. I might have equated it with early pregnancy if I hadn’t been completely sure I wasn’t. I was beginning to think it was psychosomatic. At least I’m not completely crazy.

I’m disappointed. I feel like I’m losing time, but the logical part of me knows that this should be under the very best possible conditions and this cycle wasn’t. So here’s crossing our fingers, toes and whatever else you’ve got to next month and here’s to waiting for my period to begin again.

Next time, though, I’ll make sure to shave my legs.