I won’t be upset if this ends up being a for some of you (you know…the 2 or 3 of you who follow me).
I’m not really sure I’ll end up posting this, but here goes….

This is my real life. I’m gonna tell you about what I’ve been dealing with for the last couple of years and how it’s changed me as a person. I’m not gonna lie, this is probably TMI for some, but for others it may help, and honestly…I’ve been keeping this pretty close to my heart for awhile.

We’ve been trying to conceive for a couple of years now. It started so easily…we thought “wouldn’t it be nice to have a second child” and then, without really trying, we were pregnant. It was incredible…it was so easy. I was so wrong.

Some who follow me, or more likely my husband,  may remember that we had a miscarriage a couple of years ago. I’ll never forget it. It was my 38th birthday. Only those who are very close to me know that I had a second about 5 months later. Since then we’ve been unable to conceive at all.

You go through a period of mourning, but you don’t feel like you can talk about it like you would if a relative or close friend had died, because what has died was never viable in the first place. It never laughed, or spoke or walked a step. Hell, It went away before I even got to hear it’s heartbeat. But something died, and I mourned…and I had every right to.
I’ve been sad and angry. Very angry, for a long time. I’ve thought terrible things about myself and questioned my own femininity. But people don’t talk about these things, so I didn’t.

I lost friends, some because of our choice to parent again, and later some who instinctively recognized my underlying anger and, understandingly, decided to avoid it.  Of course in the course of time, several of our friends have gotten pregnant, successfully, and those pregnancies are either currently percolating or their spawn have been unleashed onto mankind. I want to show them I’m happy and I am so very happy for them, but it’s so hard to express when you hate yourself for being unable to do the one job you had. So I avoid even commenting on it. It’s an uncomfortable spiral for everyone.

So, we recently decided that this was a problem that was beyond us, and have sought medical assistance. We’re at the very beginning of this, going through tests. I had an incredibly invasive one today that has left me in a crampy ball laying on the couch working through the pain. The tech and on call OB/GYN commented on my high pain threshold, not the super-power I was hoping for, but hey, beggars can’t be choosers.

My husband and I made a deal, if the tests come back and it’s a no go for us again, we’re just gonna have a zoo full of fur-kids and be the most amazing fairy-godparents to all of our friends kids.
I just can’t be angry anymore. I need to follow my bliss and if it doesn’t include the pitter-patter of biological spawn then we’ll have to refocus.

I hope that this post helps someone, who has been unable to talk about things like these. I really do. I so rarely get personal, but it’s time to take back my power and run with it.
For those of you who read the whole post, thank you, you rock!

 

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